Xeru-xesia

Hello :3 It's been a while since i last posted anything here
I'm more active in instagram now since it's easier to access! Follow me if you want: Aizeku_F

I've been through a lot of things throughout my highschool life. It's busy, having 3 extracurriculer activities, tests, and a lot more. It was pleasant and I'm happier than i was in middle school. Even though my tests' scores dropped considerably, I'm still bery happy and surprisingly chill with everything.

In the past 5 months, i noticed that my depression and anxiety vanished somehow. I live healthier and smile a lot more than i ever have. I don't curl myself in bed and wishing that tomorrow'll never come as often. I thought that it's an improvement and i'm very glad that I can enjoy my days and less worrying.

Now, I have a little problem that worries me a lot. Almost a month ago, I accept someone to be my boyfriend. He's very nice and we've been friends for about 3 years now. But being in a relationship

is a pain.

I don't know why, but i felt that being in a relationship with anyone feels so weird for me. It brings more problems to me and i suffer some anxiety attacks again. I'm a very good liar, so people never really notice me that I'm acting that I'm fine. I'm not. I tried to signal lots of my friends, but they always thought that I'm just to happy to be in a relationship with someone.

in Indonesia, having a boyfriend or girlfriend is such an amazing thing. People will coo at you and tease you a lot. It's like that i have this huge amount of responsibility to make my intended happy.

For 19 days, people said to me that i have to make my boyfriend happy.

But I can't be happy?

As a human being myself, i prefer and have the rights to hang out with anyone and play my phone for hours. If I don't want to spend all my time with my partner, then i shouldn't be forced to do so. But people seem to not get it. I'm not a romantic person and never will be.

so today, my boyfriend came to school when i was playing a game on my phone with my friends. When he came, my friends just stare at me as i continue to play the game and one of them say,

"Hey, your boyfriend is here you know?"

i answered, "I know." and continue playing the game.

My boyfriend didn't say a single thing and just wait there beside me, so i didn't say anything as well.

At breaktime, i went to my friend's classroom to meet with the others. My boyfriend stay outside the class for some reason and when i invited him in, he refused and just stand there. 

My friend said this when i sat down, "Your boyfriend wants you to be with you,"

"I see," i mumbled, continuing my activities.

"He actually wants to spend time with you, but he didn't want to disturb you from playing your phone."

So, i snapped that second and become furious since it's been going for weeks now, "I don't want to hear it from you. If he wants something from me, he better said that straight to my face. I don't want him to start relying to thers to send his thoughts to me like you do everyday."

After that, they went silent.

Even though we're a couple, not many people know it. I don't publicly said it to anyone, and people already suspicious that he has feelings for me since he always come and visit my classroom everyday. I don't care though, it's not something to be spread.

I don't believe that i have a romantic feeling for him. But I do want to give him a chance. Perhaps he can make me feel something for him or maybe make me feel happier. But no, i feel stressed. I feel loads of responsibilities tied to my ankles and I hate it. 

I just wish that if he want something, just say it.

I can guess. I know what you want. I know what you're feeling. But I DON'T know what would you feel. I don't know what do you want me to exactly do. I don't know how to please you if you can't ask. And i WON'T do it if you can't ask it to me.

For this 19 days, i never held hands with him. I can never touch his forearm without him flinching. And I'm the one who's afraid to be rejected.

Everyday becomes a struggle when I have to be the one who initiate something between us. We can't even keep up a conversation. When I bring up a topic, he'll always reply with a yes or a no and never have any argument. We have no spark. We never have any fight, but i don't have any feelings of happiness everytime he says that he loves me.

and i'm afraid to say that i don't.

This relationship is very weird, but i never had any relationship before so i don't know much. When he confessed to me last month, he just said that he likes me and ask me to accept it or not.

he didn't ask if i love him back or not.

so i accept, receiving the words 'i love you' every night before i sleep. The words that made me question my sanity.

I love thinking a lot of things, like love and pretty stuffs like that. But i don't believe that i have the ability to like someone over the boundaries of family. I don't know. Maybe something's wrong with me?

After i begin my relationship with my boyfriend, my other friends who also 'like' me started to message me.

The first one is the one who initiate kissing my knuckles in the cinema and kissing my hair in the last post. He doesn't sound furious, but i can tell that he's at least a little angry. He's not giving up though. He still message me frequently and ask me to go out with him sometimes. I turn him down everytime since I'm tired with life.

The second one is the first ever to confess to me in middle school, who's also a best friend of mine. I don't know if he knows that i'm in a relationship with his middle school best friend, but he seem to flirt more openly now. 

the last one is a girl who was my classmate in 9th grade. She posted some drawings in IG. At first i though she likes someone else, but after the second post, i realized that she likes me.

The first post that she published said that she was having a bad day because of three reasons. The first one is: She found out that she's bisexual and the girl she loves already has a boyfriend.the second reason is that nobody listen to her when she tried to ask for thoughts for the wall magazine. And last one is that she's tired.

I was surprised by the first reason, but I applaud her for coming out as bisexual. She's very sweet and enthusiastic, and I'm glad for her.

When she posted the second post today, I was baffled. She said that: "Is this the feeling when you sit beside the boyfriend of the girl you love? I hate it."

Today, when we have some kind of talkshow (?) or seminar, she sat beside my boyfriend in front of me. Is it bad that I'm feeling guilty over this?

I thought this a lot, but is it better if I'm off as single? Is it better if I never accept it in the first place? Is it better to just let my boyfriend cry when i turn him down that day?

I have a lot of thoughts.

when my boyfriend confessed to me, I can't think straight. The first thing comes to mind is his reaction. If i turn him down, i know that he would've cried himself to sleep and probably refused to meet me in the eye ever again despite what he said. I know that he'll be scarred forever because of me. I know that ALL OF MY FRIENDS will think that I'm stupid for letting such a nice guy walk away from my life.

Now i know why being shipped by others hurts you so much.

I've been trying to cheer myself up now. But I'm always scared to go to school and have to act again. I'm not a strong person. I don't want people to expect me do something when they can't ask.

i can't love someone as they are.

I can only love someone to change them for the better.

I love someone so much so I will give them a chance to be better and find someone else who'll be perfect for them.

I don't need someone to be beside me forever

I'm good with myself. I don't need other people to cuddle me when I have anxiety. I don't need someone who whispered "I'm here" and "I love you".

I just need sleep.

Don't touch me.

I think people still thought that I'm just joking when i said "Don't touch me". I think thay don't understand my obsession towards sleeping. I don't think they know the reason why I'm being so detached towards everything and why I always accept things as they are.

It's because I'm not afraid of death. I feel like I don't need to hold on to anything dear in this world. It's because i prefer the feeling of being alone in my room. It's because i prefer to be wrapped in blanket more than being hugged.

I believe that I'm asexual and i have dismissive kind of romantic attachment.

I do need friends, but I'm very sure that i don't need partner in life.

Sorry for the long ramble :') I have lots of heavy thoughts for a while now, and i just want to tell it somewhat anonymously. Thanks for reading :'3

I decided to make an Instagram account!
since the submition is so much easier than dA, I can submit more personal arts and wips even though I'm a bit busy here :')
I'm mostly online on IG and Art Amino //it's easier to access

so, if you guys want to meet me on IG, here's my id-

Aizeku_F

meet me there if u want <3 

Updating my life status i guess-

So, recently, I've been thinking a lot about my sexual orientation. In my country, homosexuals are banned, so I expect myself to be straight as boards. My mother dislikes gays, but I don't. I know that since I was little, that I'm not bothered by the fact that same sex genders like each other.

That's a little off the point--

Many guys confessed to me since I was around 3rd grade. I never understood what love even means, so I turned every single one of them down. Guys seem to like me because I'm different than other girls. Though I'm not really different, I'm just dense and practically comfortable being close with anyone.

Here, the girls usualy keep a distance from guys. Like, touching hands and ruffling their hair is a taboo and everyone will always ask me 'Are you guys dating?!' If I do that. To be honest, I just like to ruffle their hair because they are short and they usualy don't complain much if I mess their hair.

Even if I stroke the girl's hair carefully, they lash out

About holding hands, I just love triggering physical contact. I crave them. But even so, I dislike being touched. I love touching someone, but being touched is not something I like.

The thing is, my childhood was... pretty bad. I didn't get along well with my big bro when I was little, and my little brither got all the attention from our parents since he's cute (I'm not lying). I had physical abuse from my mom, and locked in the bathroom when I did something wrong. Smiling is hard in my own home, but my mother forced me to smile because it's impolite to not do so.

When I was around 2nd grade, my own cousin did something creepy to me. I shouldn't talk about it, but the result of what he did is that I hate being touched. Hate it.

Now, back to the topic of sexual orientation. I went out with my guy friend to watch the movies together. I had an attraction towards him. Perhaps, people call it liking that person in a romantic way? Well, he asked me who do i like right now, and i answered that i like him before hoing home.

After that, I feel conflicted.

I like him, but i don't want to date him. He gave me affection like holding my hands, and rubbed my head, and kissing my hair. But I don't like that.

I enjoy holding hands with him and all, but the attraction isn't deep. As if, I like him platonically.

For girls, i think i have someone who has an attraction towards me too. She loves to touch me and hugs. And sleep on my lap, stroking in intimate places like neck and so. But same, I feel blank. Like, there's no bond or anything like that.

Since 6th grade, I decided to not get married in the future. I want to adopt children rather than getting pregnant.

After thinking a long while since my confession to the guy that watch the cinema with me, I concluded that I'm an Asexual or Demisexual.

It's relieving to finally know this, and I'm happy.

I thought that I know what falling in love is, but actually, it seems like that I only care for them. I lkve them as a family and that's it.

Thanks for reading

I should've wrote this sooner but-
yeah, i'm in a hiatus. Semi-hiatus to be exact.
i don't know when I'll be active again ;w; school is a pain ahaha-

Hey guysss, it's been a while since my last journal ;w;
High school turns up to be very exhausting but pretty fun, so I'm not able to draw and be online that much-

Anyway,  I was tagged by CainSin 
So here I go-

1)You must post these rules.
2) Answer the 8 questions the person tagged you made and make up your own 8 questions for the people you tag to answer.
3) choose 8 people and put their icons on this journal.
4) Go to their pages and inform them that they have been tagged if you want.
5) You have to legitimately tag 8 people.
6) No tag-backs
7) Can't say "No Tags"
8) Everyone that has been TAGGED must make a journal entry
9)No answering questions with spam or nonsense
10) Be at least a BIT mature about things...

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Tagged questions : 

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Questions :

1) Fantasy or daily life genre? ( Movies, books, etc. )
fantasy. Sometimes daily life is a bit boring and cliched-

2) Do you prefer being the good guy or bad guy?
Truthfully, the bad guy. I feel more natural at it

3) Practical or theoritical?
Depends. Like, i love socilogy and geography as pratical lessons rather than theory, but I'm more comfortable with theory in mathematics rather than practical (like going out and counting stuffs like that)

4) Cats or dogs?
Holy smokes. I can't choose- UHHHHHHHH--- dogs

5) Do you feel comfortable sleeping on a couch?
yeah. I sleep practically anywhere

6) Do you prefer Automatic or manual? ( Cars, motorcycles )
automatic

7) Which are your type : brain or brawn?
Brain

8) Do you prefer keeping stuff in your mind or express it out?
In my mind. Sometimes manipulating other people to express it out for me.


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Questions:
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1. Hugs or kisses (on cheeks, nose, etc)?
2. What's your reaction when someone comes up to you and just say "You're precious" before walking away?
3. Do you know that you're precious? Well, now you know.
4. What makes you happy?
5. What makes you sad?
6. What is your most embarassing moment that you ever have in your life?
7. If you can go back in time, what is the single thing that you want to change?
8. Now smile for me?

tagged:
IKira-n saifeng Sanjay--Jurt Origami-Mad Junsopheii @anyomewhowannadothis